Men's Counseling Series: 5 Reasons Why Men Experience Loneliness
This blog post is the first in a three part series that examines loneliness and human connection among men. This first part explores why men experience loneliness, the second part explores the impact and effect of this loneliness and the last part will identify concrete actions men can take to develop human connection and the positive effects from this connection.
When do you feel the most alive?
When I consider when I feel most alive or engaged with the world around me, it’s typically occurring for one of two reasons. The first reason is that I’m doing something that genuinely interests me; I’m tapping into an idea or practice is stimulating. This can be as simple as listening to a really fascinating podcast or eating at a new restaurant. The second reason is that I feel a part of a community, also known as a tribe. This community may be my family, folks that I work with, people who have similar values or beliefs or even friends who share a common interest or purpose. The benefits to having a community include greater levels of trust, support, self awareness and self esteem. Without such a community, there is a risk of loneliness.
Loneliness is a lack of connection
Loneliness is a lack of connection with the community described above. When loneliness sets in for men, they may experience the following: muted identity with their roles as a partner or father, decreased levels of self-esteem and self worth, diminished connection and purpose at work, a retreat from the very things that they enjoy and they are at greater risk for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.
Reasons Men Experience Loneliness
In order to get a better understanding of the impact, let’s explore why men are experiencing loneliness.
Men are resistant to talking below the surface.
From a very early age, boys are taught not to share. This might include sharing about feelings, challenges, successes, conflicts, and the list goes on. Boys are taught to be stoic and to act. The result of this is a culture of men who have difficulty relating to each other, opening up about what is really going and what is really important to them. Without the skills of communication that we discuss and explore in men’s counseling and an ability to go deeper, men resist speaking out.
Men have difficulty forming new friendships.
As men age and evolve into their roles as fathers, husbands, homeowners and professionals, there is less and less time to connect with friends. This disconnect can create a silo for a man which is isolating. I have heard from many men in my own personal life and in men’s therapy that they have met another man they would like to get to know, but they aren’t clear how to ask for this or navigate how to form a friendship. This might also be influenced by the stigma that exists around male bonding.
The modern world of work limits contact between men.
The rise of flexible work schedules and remote work, which have benefits, lead to diminished levels of face to face contact. We are getting to the point in our culture in which we rely on technology, due to the limited amount of time we have, as a replacement for traditional face to face contact. This is why traditional face to face men’s counseling in and of itself can be useful because it creates space and opportunity to practice this kind of contact. While working from home may result in increased productivity and efficiencies, it creates social isolation.
Men assume that other men have it figured out.
There is a belief in our current society that men who are assertive, go getters and “alpha dogs” get rewarded. And if you happen to not be one of these of men, you may believe that you are the only who hasn’t achieved in your career, relationships or personal endeavors. You look around and wonder “what am I dong wrong?” This will lead to withdraw, cut off contact and socially isolate. In men’s therapy, we work to overcome and re-frame some of these irrational, unhealthy beliefs.
Men are taught to bond through shared experience.
Many professional men were raised in an age in which we were encouraged to sign up for sports, boy scouts and the like. And while these are all great experiences and have value, not every boy or man has an interest in participating in these kinds of activities. Without the language or understanding of how to bond, we rely on experiences that may not be a good fit. Furthermore, as noted before, we have less and less time in this modern world and the way men have traditionally bonded requires a lot of time.
Up Next: The Impact of Loneliness on Men
In the second part of this blog series about men and loneliness, we will begin to identify the impact and affect loneliness has on men. We will explore what happens when a man is resistant to opening up, has trouble forming new friendships, has limited contact with other men, believes that he is the only one who hasn’t figured it out and has trouble bonding.
Men’s Counseling in Cincinnati, OH 45040
If you are a man or a partner of a man who struggles with social isolation and loneliness, you may benefit from men’s counseling. At Launch Point Counseling in Mason, OH, north of Cincinnati, OH. To learn more or schedule an intake appointment, please contact Launch Point Counseling or schedule an appointment today.